...a piece of information that is known only to a few people
and is intentionally withheld from general knowledge.
Sometimes a secret can be a harmless thing like that secret ingredient in your favorite recipe that sets it apart from the others. But in this post I am referring to the type of information we all think of when we hear the word "secret". Maybe it's information about a friend or loved one or maybe it's information about yourself that for one reason or another you don't want anyone or very few people to know about. My question to myself is why...why instead of living an honest life, why do I keep secrets?
I use to be so open and honest about myself to people...at least I like to think I was...I don't know. Maybe as I reflect on this more in the coming months I'll gain a different prespective. But after I got married, I did realize that my now ex, kept lots of secrets and didn't want people to know things about himself and us. In fact, his whole family is good at being secretive. Knowing he felt this way and wanting to be a supportive wife, I changed and shared less and less of myself with the other people in my life to avoid arguments with him.
But I digress...that's a whole other post for another time.
I have this theory though. I believe that secrets are born from shame and shame is a horribly negative emotion that I don't want in my life. It combines feelings of dishonor, unworthiness, embarrassment, disgrace, regret and well, you get the picture. I don't know about you, but not only do I know that I am not an unworthy person...or an embarrassment...or a disgrace...or an unhonorable person...I don't like living my life with regrets that weigh on my soul. So then I must be crazy to keep secrets about myself from people and create shame in my life...right?
Everyone has made mistakes and bad choices in their lives. While those choices are a part of who we are, they don't define us...at least that's what I teach Sam. Yes, my choices may have been bad and way worse than others. But maybe I had to make choices about things that others haven't had to face in their lives.
Our choices, good and bad, are how we learn...they are how we grow into better versions of ourselves. So going forward, I am going to starting owning those choices - past, present, good or bad - because they are me and I'm not ashamed of who I am. Or maybe I am...we'll see.
I know this is going to be an everyday struggle and I'm hoping that this blog will keep me honest because let's face it, it's hard to be really honest with yourself. I mean, we are all kind of biased you know. We can all agree to the saying "Nobody is perfect!"...goodness knows I'm not. But when it comes down to it, nobody really likes to own up to their transgressions. It's easy to say we are flawed but harder, I think, to admit to them and take ownership of our individual flaws.
I may lose friends when my secrets are revealed and that's ok...which is a big change for me. I've always been a people pleaser and wanted everyone to like me. But I am me...you accept me for who I am good and flawed. If you can't get past a choice that I made and see the good person that I am, I respect your opinion and I hope you respect mine when I say I don't want you, someone that is going to judge me, in my life.
And friends and family - past, present and future - you don't have to worry. I won't be telling any of your secrets here. They are not mine to tell.
